Let's start this week off on a lighter note!
Here's a little bit o' funny stuff regardin' the Blues ..........
Primer on the Blues
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this
morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,
with the
meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you
get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes...
sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good
woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and
she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars:
Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in
Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
a major part in the
blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues
can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best
places
to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that
don't get
rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't got the blues.
A woman with male
pattern baldness does. Breaking your leg cause you were
skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on
it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b.
jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places
for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League
institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues
if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you
slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes,
if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in
Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your
teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis
lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of
color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues.
Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a
leg up on the
blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's
the
Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap
wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black
coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b.
Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a
cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death.
Stabbed in the back
by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the electric chair,
substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down
cot.
You can't have a
Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting
liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big
Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for
men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18.
Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather
can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of
physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above)
plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President
(Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson,
Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not
"Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one
computer, you
cannot sing the blues. (DAMN!)
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