Annie's Savvy Cafe

The economy is so bad...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing ‘Sponsor an American Child’ commercials!

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street .”

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

Thanks to fellow sarcastic blogger Sheila over at Slightly Sarcastic!!  Stop by and read her stuff!

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Savvy Saturday Post #20

Burn Remedy (It's worth a try)

A woman's experience with burns . . ...
 Some time ago I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling
 water to see if the corn was ready. I missed and my hand went into the
 boiling water.... A friend of mine, who was a Vietnam vet, came into the
 house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old
 flour... I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it. He told me to
 keep my hand in the flour for 10 minutes which I did. He said that in
 Vietnam, there was a guy on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of
 flour all over him to put the fire out...Well, it not only put the fire
 out, but he never even had a blister!!!!

 ... Long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 minutes,
 pulled it out and did not even have a red mark or a blister and
 absolutely NO PAIN. Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge for every time I burn myself.

*Cold flour feels even better than room temperature
 flour.

 I use the flour and have never ONCE had I ever had even a red spot/burn
 mark, or a blister! I even burnt my tongue once, put the flour on it for
 about 10 minutes ... the pain was gone and no burn.

 Try it . . . Experience a miracle! Keep a bag of flour in your fridge
 and you will be happy you did!

 BTW, don't run your burn area under cold water first, just put it
 directly into the flour for 10 minutes.

 

You'll put somebody's eye out

I came across this and had to share with my readers. This is a case of funny but true and it doesn't even discuss the Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle .

 

 

By Scott Paulsen, FOR THE PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Friday, December 10, 2010

We didn't have much, yet I cannot remember a Christmas when the tree wasn't surrounded with presents for us five kids. Mom and Dad found a way, each year, to play Santa.

That still doesn't explain why they tried so hard to kill us.

I am reminded of their murderous efforts each year at this time as safety organizations publish their annual lists of toys deemed "too dangerous for children," an inventory Mom and Dad would have considered "research."

The idea of parents willfully buying dangerous toys for their children may seem irresponsible to the people of today, those who place helmets on every bare head. I, however, am an ancient throwback from the time before airbags, a survivor of the days when people drank unfiltered water straight from neighbors' garden hoses.

We played outside, all day, without supervision, helmets, watch lists, knee pads, life coaches or schedules, among hard rocks, sharp tree branches and germ-filled dirt -- and survived such dangerous and foolish times.

After 11 months of dealing with five muddy kids, my parents were only too happy to shake Santa's hand in December. The three had a deal. They'd feed him milk and cookies. In return, he would leave all sorts of deathtraps under the Paulsen tree.

Santa brought me a Wood Burning Kit when I was 6 (6!). It consisted of a sharply pointed metal spear that, once plugged into a wall socket, rose to a temperature hot enough to burn wood (thus the name).

Each year, one of the five of us would get roller skates (stitches), a sled (fracture), or skateboards (concussion). The best gift Santa brings -- a BB gun -- was perpetual as well. Three boys in a family will ensure that happens.

Now, in our modern, scheduled play date, constant visual contact, haz-mat suit, OSHA-approved padded foam play areas with a lifeguard-on-duty world, we know the Daisy air rifle was responsible for eliminating the eyes of 93 percent of American men between the ages of 45 and 60. No wonder eyepatches became so fashionable in the '80s.

It wasn't only the boys. My parents wished to maim and disfigure my sisters as well. They live to this day with the scarred reminders from leaning too close to the Easy-Bake Oven. Pink bicycles flew as far as black ones when jumping from the back porch.

I applaud the efforts of groups like W.A.T.C.H. (World Against Toys Causing Harm) for publishing lists of dangerous toys. They mean well. Shortly after applauding, however, I laugh, knowing that kids have not changed one iota from when I was a short person. No matter how safe a toy is deemed, a 10-year-old will find a way to make it dangerous.

Mom and Dad made it easy. They gave us lawn darts, pogo sticks, mini-bikes, bow-and-arrow sets and that granddaddy of irresponsible parenting, the Gilbert Chemistry Set.

Wonder what happens when I mix these two together?

Oops.

That's going to leave a scar.

 

Paraprosdokian

I have a dear friend that I can always count on for a good laugh or pick me up. No matter what goes on in life, she inspires me with her positive attitude and her uncanny ability to know when I need a little comic relief. Thank you Karla!

Here is today's pick me up...

A paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκßα", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   
Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 
Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Ø   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
 
Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
Ø   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
 
Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
 
Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 
Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 
Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it, as when you are in it.
 
Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
 
Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

You might be a Redneck if...

you tie up your falling tree with a garden hose and a broken hot water heater!

During a recent storm, part of our tree was stuck leaning over too far and couldn't get back up. We think it is top heavy as it is a tall, thin, yet bushy tree. I don't know what kind it is exactly. I used to know but we refer to it lovingly as the "ShadeMaster 2000" because it has been doing a great job of providing shade where shade needed to be provided. When I saw it leaning and not being able to get back up, there was no way anyone was going to convince me to chop it down. I figured if I could just get it back up in the air, and tie it up somehow, then in the winter when it loses it's leaves, it shouldn't be quite so top heavy.

My first plan was to lean out of the upstairs master bath window with a hook tied on the end of a rope. I could swing it over to the tree and hubby could hook it and I could pull it up while someone wrapped some rope or something around it. (I was grasping here...!) I couldn't find the hook I had in mind and everyone figured one good breeze and I was sure to fall out of the window, so we scrapped that idea.

Finally I told hubby one day that I knew we had an old garden hose that we could use to tie up the tree without damaging it. In my mind, I saw hubby climbing a ladder, wrapping the hose around the tree, then retreating down the ladder to assist me in tugging on the hose to lift the tree, then wrapping the hose the rest of the way around the tree several times to hold it in place...simple, right?

No, not so much. We got as far as both of us tugging on the hose to pull up the tree when we realized it took both of us to hold it. Hubby looked at me calmly and asked "now what?" I thought I knew, but apparently that plan was quickly going out the window.

As luck would have it, we had recently replaced our hot water heater and had yet to dispose of the old one. (I was trying to hide it behind a bouganvilla bush but it wasn't working.) As we stand there holding the tree up wondering "now what?", hubby had a brilliant idea. He leaned a little closer to the hot water heater and screwed the end of the hose on to the drain valve at the bottom. So, I guess our poor tree gets to spend the Fall months hooked up to the hot water heater until such time that it can hold itself upright.

This is what I call Redneck Landscaping. I wish this had happened when Jeff Foxworthy had his show and had the segment where they picked the Redneck "yard of the week". That I think we could have won.

My "over 40" brain at it's best...again!

A fellow blogger from over at Self Sagacity wrote me a little comment the other day saying she couldn't find my e-mail anywhere on my blog. I thought she must be kidding or else blind because I know it is on there. How stupid would that be to not have any contact info on your blog? Well, pretty stupid...and guess what? I don't have any contact info on my blog. I think it is everywhere on my other blogs, but somehow it fell through the cracks on this one. Well, this graceful maneuver prompted me to write an "About Annie" page and tell everyone a little about me and how to get in touch with me. You can find it in the top nav bar but just for grins and giggles I made a post out of it too.

So here is is:

About Annie

That's me! I write this blog, along with a few others. I originally started my blogging career (please control your laughter) with my first blog "The Savvy Tourist" a few years ago. Boy did I learn a lot the hard way with that. One of the biggest lessons learned was that Google did not care if I felt like ranting about anything other than travel. If you are running a travel site, then by george you better talk about travel and only travel if you want any kind of Page Rank above 0.  Hence the birth of "Annie's Savvy Cafe". This is a blog about anything I want to talk about that is NOT travel related, and sometimes that is a lot of stuff.

I invite you all to grab a cup of java, and read my rants, along with the occasional boasting about my wonderful children that have gone out into the world and made me an empty nester. Thank God there is a pill for that!

As for my "other" blogs...

Mickey and Me - I started this blog because I think some of my readers got sick of listening to me croon over Mickey and the Gang. I never seem to have any time to write on this blog which is a shame because I am a Disneyaholic at heart

Affordable Pet Sitting - I try to maintain this blog the best I can for a local (SoCal) pet sitting business. It is always fun interacting with people that love their animals.

Barbarian Biker - You are gonna love this...I started this one for my ex-hubby. He thought it looked like so much fun blogging that he wanted to try it. I designed the site, with the help of my son who did the banner using a photo of his Dad's Harley Davidson which we have owned since 1986. Unfortunately, he never wrote on it and it just sits there. I am considering inviting guest writers and such to put some actual content on this site. I think it would be fun to have operational. My only problem is that the amount of knowledge I have on motorcycles you can fit on the head of a pin. If anyone is interested in writing on this blog, please let me know.

Photogdog - This site is still under construction while I poke and prod at my uber talented photographer husband to put up some darn photos. You might want to keep checking back to this site as it will be worth your time as soon as he gets more motivated. Right now he is very busy playing "Angry Birds"

Last, but not least, my son and his girlfriend have started a blog (I must really make this look like fun) but it is in the very beginning stages. As soon as it is up and ready for public consumption I will do an update and a formal introduction for them. Keep in mind, it is going to be yummy!!!!

To get in touch with me you can always e-mail me at annie@anniessavvycafe.com

P.S. I have to admit the first time I published the "About Annie" page I forgot to put the e-mail address on it and had to go back and add it and re-publish. It's hell getting old.

 

Eat, Pray, Love

I am sure you have heard about it...the new movie with Julia Roberts soul searching across Italy, Indonesia and India. Everyone seems more than excited about the movie, but from what I understand the book is what it's all about. My friend received this book for her birthday on Saturday and we didn't see her all day Sunday because she was tucked away in her room reading. She did come out for water and a few snacks and the occassional potty break,  but other than that, she just couldn't put it down. One of my kids actually bought her that book because she couldn't wait long enough for her to finish reading her copy. I guess who ever finishes first better float a copy my way. I am so behind in my reading already, but from what I understand this is totally worth it. I love reading a book before seeing the movie so that you really know what is going on during those parts they skim over.

If you haven't already had the pleasure of reading this book, here is a link to Amazon that will get you reading in a hurry!

Terms and Conditions

Does everyone always read the "terms and conditions"? I have to admit that I do not. At least not always. It really does depend on the situation. If it involves a lot of money (mostly mine), then I might take some time to read. When I am applying to affiliate vendors I never read the terms and conditions because they all basically say the same thing, and I have read it before...blah blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Well, as a lot of you, my fellow bloggers, know...there are many ways to "make money online". As much as writing is fun and stimulating or whatever, most of us are still trying to bring in a few extra bucks to account for the time we spend in front of our computers. Some of us will go to different lengths to make this money, like clicking links for exchange all day, or placing ad links on other people's sites. Myself, I try to stay within the money making tactics that will possibly enhance my writing experience or at least my blog, but I will come back to that in a later post.

Earlier today I came across a site that had a great money making scam opportunity.  No matter how good it may sound, keep in mind the old adage...if it sounds too good to be true.....blah blah blah. So, I moved forward with great skepticism. Supposedly the "great opportunity" only costs a $2.97 processing fee. Well, that really isn't too much to ask, although I am still not sure what they are "processing".  Anyway, whenever I am paying for something online and I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling from it (I know...why bother then), I use a pre-paid debit/credit card that doesn't have much (if any) money on it just so there is no chance anyone is accessing my real checking account or credit cards (not that they would get very far). I started to pay this $2.97 so I could receive this great offer to make all this money, but the site would not except a pre-paid card like the one I was using. I thought this odd because it was backed by VISA, but oh well. After being so rudely rejected, I decided to actually read the "terms and conditions".  Better late than never I always say.  Well, there was some eye-opening information that made me realize why they wouldn't except a pre-paid card. It also made me very thankful that I did not get roped into this particular opportunity (I use this term loosely, very loosely).

Here are a few excerpts:

When submitting this order, you agree to the trial offer for only the online shipping and handling fee of $2.97, which will provide you with instant access to our entire system.  Once your five-day trial period is up, you will be charged a one-time fee of $139.95.  Following this activation fee, you will receive a monthly charge of $39.99 for three months for full access to the training course.

Additionally, any trials that may or may not be offered with this product are only during the said allotted time of the trial period, which in this case is five days.  If you have not cancelled within the trial period, then you agree to pay the activation fee of $139.95 and a monthly reoccurring cost of $39.99 per month for the three month training course.

By providing any personal information, you agree and are giving permission that Direct Commerce Academy System, its associates, sponsors and co-sponsors of this offer may contact you by means of telephone, e-mail or other sources of marketing, even if your number is found on a do not call registry or listed on an opt out list pursuant to the CAN-SPAM Act.

I guess the moral of the story is don't be an idiot and think the terms and conditions are not important enough to read. We can all afford the time to save being charged that kind of money.

The picture I added to this post was found on a Google image search, but please realize that the picture nor the scam pictured, is in any way affiliated with Google.

Interview on the Street

You gotta love the attitude!

 

 

For Ladies Only!

Over the years I have been known to do my fair share of catalog shopping. Now some catalogs are more fun to receive than others. For example, who doesn't look forward to the Pottery Barn catalog or the Crate and Barrel catalog in the mailbox? I am also a huge fan of NapaStyle, Serengeti and now Time For Me.

I do not know exactly how I started receiving this catalog but as I started to peruse it's contents I found it to be very interesting. This is not your mother's catalog!!  Time For Me contains a few personal items that your mother would not have found appropriate from a catalog that just shows up in the mailbox willy nilly!! But enough of that...for now.

Everything in this catalog is For Ladies Only! There are:

• treatments for cracked heals
• L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream
• G-Force 3
• Tight-n-Tuck™
• Freeze 24-7® Anti-Wrinkle Cream™
• hair removal products for the places you don't want hair
• hair growth products for the places you want more hair
• slimming undergarments (including SPANX)
• skin lightening serum for age spots
• slim wraps
• metobolic boosters
• Sleep Patch-CR™
• orthopedic sandals
• Clearly Confident® Antifungal Lotion
• purse organizers
• Fringe Clip-in Bangs
• 60-Second Instant Miracle Tan
• Fran Wilson® Cucumber Eye Pads
• 48 hour cleanse

and...

• Poo-Pourri ( you can only guess if you don't check it out!)

There is also a plethera of make up products that all seem no nonsense and good quality, including...

• Joey New York Lift-Up Eye Gel
• Redpoint® HydraBoost Firming Powder
• Anti-aging concealer
• Airbrush Effects Blushwhip
• Velvet Liquid Eyeliner
• Redpoint® Crushed Pearls Firming Highlighter
• Plumping Lip Fusion
• StriVectin® Neck Cream
• 10 Years Younger Makeup Finish
• Lip Moisture Therapy with SPF
• Sweet Cream Body Milk

and...

• Elysee Elevation Anti-Gravity Smoothing Veil (to name a few)

 

Then it gets a little more interesting with these products...

• Flirty Little Secret Luminizing Body Butter
• Super Kegel™ Exerciser
• One Hour Breast Lift™
• Boob Tube™
• Silicone Bra Inserts
• Libido Dietary Supplements
• Female Pheromones

and also a DVD on 101 Love Positions.

 

But ladies, after you have primped and prepared and tried to look your absolute sexiest for your man and that still didn't make him any more attentive, or sexier, or smarter, or richer...then you can try these products...

• Trophy Boy
• Lilac Dreams™ Vibrator
• Dreamboat
• Lovemoiselle Cecile Vibe
• Beyond G-spot Vibe
• Incognito Lipstick Vibe
• Butterfly Kiss™

So, after you've checked out this special Ladies Only Time For Me catalog, let me know if it doesn't become the catalog you hope to see in your mailbox.

There's a new band in town...

Late one night, at the University of Redlands, in Redlands, CA., a couple of kids were practicing their instruments and honing their skills for class instruction the next day. As they each discovered the other one practicing, they wandered into the hallway and began an impromtu jam session. This was just for fun to break up the monotony of late night practicing. They had so much fun and realized how well they complimented one another with their respective styles, that they decided to get together more often "just for fun".

As it turns out, they were more than just having fun, they were creating a whole new style and sound all their own and everyone who heard them was loving it. Soon they were invited to play at parties, fundraisers, competitions, and local bars.

After many many requests, they decided to record an album. The talent that these young folks possess is unbelievable and they can play anything, but they choose to write their own music and words and do their own recordings.

So, after logging lots of hours in the recording studio, and getting lots of support from their friends and family, schoolmates and teachers, and the local community, I present to you........

"Audible Candy" by The Over Easy

 

Savvy Saturday Post #19

"Bugs! Why did it have to be bugs?"

Ahh...another great movie quote from one of my all time favs - The Mummy!

Well, it doesn't have to be bugs if you follow these tips:

Keep mosquitoes away with catnip - According to scientists at Iowa State University, catnip oil is 10 times more effective at repelling mosquitoes than DEET, the traditional ingredient in bug spray. Look for all natural bug shields or essential oil blends that contain nepetalactone (pure catnip oil)

Spritz on the soap solution - Fill a spray bottle with one quart of water and a teaspoon of liquid soap and spray wherever you spot ants or roaches, then wipe dry. This erases the chemical trails they leave behind, stopping the rest of the colony from following, say pest management experts at the University of California.

Stop ants, fleas, or flies with these kitchen items - The National Safety Council suggests placing chili powder at the entrance to ants' holes to keep them away. And flies steer clear of basil - all you need is a sprig in a small bowl of water or a small basil plant near the window. Finally, to keep fleas off pets, talk to your vet about gradually adding brewer's yeast to their diet.

Try the sweet-spicy oil that will keep bugs from biting - Add a few drops of clove oil - a proven bug repellent - to your favorite shampoos and lotions; it will mask their naturally appetizing scent, making you much less appealing to hungry insects. Insects are attracted to sweat, so apply the lotion near underarms, behind ears and knees, and on feet to maximize protection.

A classic...

Since I am from the airline industry, I don't usually post anything that makes pilots look bad since they have it rough enough as it is these days. This video below is just plane (ha ha) good clean fun from way back when comedy was just that...good clean fun!!!

How is Norma?

A friend of mine e-mailed me this cute little story and I had to share because I know a lot of readers will be able to relate......ENJOY!

 
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's  Hospital.  She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone  who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator  said,  "I'll be glad to help, dear.  What's the name  and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in  her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay,  Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on  hold while I check with the nurse's station for that  room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the  phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that  Norma is doing well.  Her blood  pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and  her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be  discharged tomorrow.."

The grandmother said,
"Thank  you.  That's wonderful.  I was so worried.  God  bless you for the good news."

The operator  replied, "You're more than welcome.  Is Norma your  daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in  Room 302.  No one tells me  shit."